The dictionary describes lethargy as sluggishness, inaction, tiredness and weariness and much more. To have lethargy is to lack energy and enthusiasm and I understand it because I am symptomatic of it right now.
Someone once told me to over look these symptoms and live in a field of positive energy. But there are situations where living in a positive field is very difficult. I am not saying that I will continue to live with this depressed level of functioning but for now it feels oddly comforting. It is good to be in this temporary hibernation for it makes smaller the ache. It is because of my husband's new job that I feel this emptiness and a lethargy within myself. A severe, nearly debilitating emptiness holds me instead. I am not sure the severity of this unattractiveness is the Bipolar that shares me, but my body temperature is cold with aloneness and the silence of the house deafens with every moment.
For many years I would fantasize that I would leave him. Grandiose and full of myself, 112# of me thought about the seduction with other men, with strangers, and friends. But into the arms of another I did not go, nor did I seek that stranger, nor desire him. Fortunately, at some point, I realized it was the condition of hypomania that would take me to that sexual place without my husband, and with medication I became a more affectionate me, and it was with a new warmth for my husband we became alive. Today lovers of years left behind, a wedge of time and space give us a temporary second chance and we are lost in the passion of a new relationship.
Still I am panic mode. They say the two years will pass quickly but I miss you already. I miss you desperately already. I miss you dreadfully already and you are seated next to me, next to me, right next to me. You will leave me in just 5 days.
Lessons in life. I have learned so many. I have had many thoughts but my wishes have never come true like I have envisioned. My wishes seem to be some sick morphed twisted metal of desire that reality never brings to view.
I will miss you my love... Thank God for telephones, and Skype, and email. I will fight felo-de-se while I wait for you. I will wait for you. I will fight this ill while I wait for you my Love. I will pretend to enjoy this life without you, please hurry home to me.
